Weekly Tips
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for Small Groups...
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Listening!
Our focus is on accepting each other wherever we are in life. Though activities do not guarantee acceptance, they can certainly facilitate it if the attitudes are right. Since the goal of any activity at this phase is to get to know each other better, let's move into our second objective in getting to first base.
The key to good listening is to put our own agenda on hold. Unfortunately, just the opposite usually happens in our culture. There are three poor listening skills that are modeled around us every day. In fact, they confront us so regularly that we may not even be aware that we use them ourselves.
The first one is shallow listening. We're doing this when we fake interest in what the other person is saying so that our own agenda will have an opportunity to surface later. This is a control issue. This listening technique contains all the standard head nods and "uh-huhs," but the mind isn't engaged, let alone the heart. It's fake authenticity.
The second way we listen poorly is through selective listening. That is, we focus on our interests and what we want to hear by asking questions designed to control the discussion. We filter the information through our grid of experience, pseudo-wisdom, and worldview. We don't really want to understand where the other fellow is coming from; we think we already know.
The third way we don't really listen is to be self-protective by avoiding any threatening messages. Any areas of discomfort can be avoided again by the artful dodge of a well-placed question. Men are masters at this. This allows them to steer the conversation far away from their personal discomfort without revealing how they really feel. Fortunately, we are not condemned to take these faulty patterns of communication into the group with us if we will begin to apply what the Scriptures say about the communication process.
To listen well, we must remember that it is an attitude, not an activity. It is a sign that indicates our dependence upon God and one another in humility. Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others. (Philippians 2:3-4)
The real issue in listening is simply to esteem the other men worthy of our full attention and try our best to understand where they are coming from. Those in the communication field call this "empathetic listening."
Empathy is different from sympathy. Sympathy is feeling sorry for someone. Empathy is feeling what another person feels based on our own experiences. You cannot fake empathy. To listen empathetically takes time and effort as we seek to pick up on the emotional tone of the speaker.
You may have a good marriage, but can you empathize with a man whose wife has just left him? You may have a great job, but can you empathize with the pain of a man who has been out of work for eight months?
Without empathetic listening, we might as well be talking to a wall. For men to feel accepted they need to feel that they are really being listened to and are being taken seriously. Without that, no progress will be made.
Questions
1. With good listening comes some responsibility. Discuss creating confidentiality. What is confidentiality and how do we establish it in the group?
2. What did you notice about the way we listen? Why is that?
3. How do we empathize with someone who is sharing their life with us?
4. What experiences have you had as a listener? What did you learn?
5. What experiences have you had as one who needed to share? What did you learn?
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